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[Wednesday, April 5th, 2006 | 10:31pm] |
i suck at updating. my apologies.
so i miss a lot of you.
ruby, rochelle, dennis, lauren...
if you forgot what i look like...
new hair, same habit. i'm getting more piercings soon.
my life is really boring right now.
if anyone wants to go and get some japanese food sometime, let me know.
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[Wednesday, April 5th, 2006 | 06:20pm] |
i'm lonely.
i need company. anyone. anyone at all.
friend wise i mean of course.
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[Monday, April 3rd, 2006 | 12:46am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 confused |
] |
here's the boy who won my heart.
yet i haven't said a single word to him, but i can't go a single day without looking at his face.
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[Saturday, March 25th, 2006 | 06:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 lonely |
] |
*sigh* I like this boy I don't even talk to.
I haven't seen his face in three days and I miss him.
Is it possible to fall in love with someone you don't even know?
We have this unspoken connection...and it seems that he senses it too.
Maybe this is just wishful thinking, but God do I like this boy...
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[Tuesday, March 21st, 2006 | 04:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crappy |
] |
Life is one big headache.
Anyone else notice that?
I don't know what it is that's bothering me, but something definately is.
Oh well, 2 more days. That's all I need to tell myself.
My Alex is back and it feels amazing to have him here again.
And, I feel the need to change my physical appearance again.
But I guess I've already started on that.
Sorry, this update was pointless.
I feel being around people isn't good right now. Just everyone here should dissapear.
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[Sunday, March 19th, 2006 | 02:38pm] |
I cut my hairrrrr.
I need to clean it up a bit though.
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[Thursday, March 16th, 2006 | 03:44pm] |
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I'm bored with life and fed up with people.
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| fuck you. |
[Tuesday, March 14th, 2006 | 03:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 enraged |
] |
i'm sick of people being so fucking judgemental and labeling people based of their fucking appearance.
today in third period, some stupid fucking little twat kept opening her mouth and touching on sensitive subjects of mine. for one, she kept talking bullshit about michael jackson and for those of you who know, you know i don't take that lightly. TWO, she was being a total gay-basher saying how everything about being gay is completely wrong and immoral. i don't think i've ever really felt my blood boil like it did today. if she would have hung around class a second longer, i would have beat the shit out of her.
AND, i have this picture of jin akanishi and kazuya kamenashi on my binder and today everyone decided to label them gay. i know for a fact, that they are not. i don't give a shit if they want to say they look like girls, because i do admit they are a bit feminine looking, but to blantly state that they're gay because they don't have the common sense to recognize that they are men and not women is completely stupid. i really wish people knew what they were talking about before opening their fucking mouths.
next person to piss me off like this is going to get a severe beating. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING GAY, and DON'T LABEL PEOPLE BASED ON THEIR APPEARANCE. Learn the facts before acting like you know what the fuck you're talking about, you insignificant pieces of shit.
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| lonely. :[ |
[Sunday, March 12th, 2006 | 03:36am] |
| [ |
mood |
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lonely |
] |
So, sitting outside in fucking freezing weather enjoying my last cigarette for the night, I realized how desperate I am for human contact. It's rediculous how lonely people can get, me especially. You think I'd be happy being back in Orange County with my friends and family, and don't get me wrong, it's alot better than fucking San Diego, but I was just thinking...
I miss Jazz. It was pretty much my last night in San Diego when I met him. He could have made me happy. Just spending those couple of hours with me made me feel like a pathetic romantic again. Yeah, I only hung out with him once, but he has to be somewhat special considering he made the butterflies breathe life once again. He made a lasting impression on me. Nobody has ever done that to me in one night. His uncontrollable nervous giggling was almost too cute and comforting to bear. The fact that he got closer to me because I was shivering like I was going to die made me feel warm inside. How he held my hand in the most unconspicuous of ways made me smile for hours. Laying on the hood of his car looking up at the stars gave me hope of reciprocated affection. Feeling like someone actually payed attention to me and cared about me when he named a constellation 'Miyavi' for me made me want to give my heart to him...and that innocent kiss we shared after he walked me to my door made me feel like every time I kissed him could feel like it was our first. It makes me want to go back to San Diego to know that someone would hold my hand without any other intention than just to hold it...
And now with Ruby in Oceanside, I feel like I should go back. I'd have the perfect boy and my best friend. What more could I ask for?
Of course, I could never do that...I've made too many bad decisions already. I can't keep trying to re-locate myself everytime I feel like I've let myself down. Running from mistakes is a sign of weakness. I'm not a weak person. I am strong. I can do this, but I don't know for much longer...
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| coldddd. :[ |
[Friday, March 10th, 2006 | 03:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cold |
] |
This weather sucks. The rain, I can handle. The wind, I can handle. But put those together with the freezing cold and you have one very unhappy Amanda. I thought I was going to cry today because the weather made me so miserable. Stupid stupid weather.
And FUCK Nick. Hypocritical prick.
Ken is really cute. Really really cute. Too bad I'm too chicken to talk to him. ;__;
I want to have a life changing experience soon. May it be small or big, I just want it to make me look at life differently. Perhaps appreciate it more.
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[Wednesday, March 8th, 2006 | 03:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
] |
I'm gonna get a new hair style. Which includes some cutting, some extentions, and some new color.
Not quite sure how to do it yet.
But I'm gonna do it! You all know when I make up my mind, I do it. :]
Holy shit, I wish I was ballsy enough to do something like this. ;___;
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[Monday, March 6th, 2006 | 03:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 mean |
] |
In a better mood today, but probably for the wrong reason. I dunno, I felt like being mean today so I was picking on people at school. Fucking Terror kids walking around with their stupid tight jackets. Yeah, I called them out. Faggots.
Anyways...
My mom's coming here tonight. Just some more shit to deal with.
P.S. I miss Ruby. :[
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| FUCK FUCK FUCK |
[Sunday, March 5th, 2006 | 08:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 apathetic |
] |
Lauren, you were so right. I don't even know why I fucking talk to him anymore.
He makes everything about him and when I fucking prove my point, he pulls this "pity me" bullshit.
( why do i even fucking care anymore? )
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[Sunday, March 5th, 2006 | 01:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Kirito |
] |
Oi, yesterday was such a mess.
I find that being open with people only depresses me more. See, I hate talking to people because it makes me feel that I'm making them feel inclined to listen, and then they offer me this fake sympathy. I guess in my own mind, I only listen to what I want to hear. But the funny thing is, I don't know what I want to hear. I guess what I want to hear is that someone out there cares for me, someone out there thinks of me often, but it's kind of hard to believe something when you can't see or feel it.
I got to see some people yesterday, but it just occurred to me that I still felt so very alone. No matter how many people I surround myself with, I always come home to an empty bed. A cold, lonely, and dark room that offers no comfort. People tell me, "You'll find someone. And you'll be happy." But when you're this used to being alone, it doesn't seem possible.
Maybe he's closer than I realize. I just hope that when I do realize that he's so close, that he'll just feel the same way.
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[Saturday, March 4th, 2006 | 01:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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itsumo kokoro ni juujika wo |
] |
I've been thinking a lot about that people that I've been with and the ones that I really cared for. The one that bothers me the most is John. He brought love into my life, and took it from me with 5 words. *sigh* It really makes me wonder if I really know the people I think I do. I thought he was perfect in every way. We were really good friends once...and then he changed so fast. He lost the friendliness in his eyes, and it pained me when he looked at me. I knew I was going to lose him...I just didn't think it would hurt that badly. But it did, it fucking killed me. You think pain is just an emotional thing in those kind of situations, but I was so heart-broken I became physically sick. I shut everyone out for a good two months. I went to school, came home and slept. That's all. My grades went to shit, I lost connection with alot of friends, I stopped talking to my mom about anything, I treated everyone around me like shit. I just didn't want to get hurt again. Maybe I was really upset because I thought I knew him, but I guess I didn't know him at all. He became a complete stranger, a ghost of my past. I saw him recently, and my heart dropped into my stomach. I saw him from maybe like 50 feet away and I think I almost threw up. Why do people have that kind of affect on others? I never asked anything of him except friendship. And he couldn't even offer me that anymore...at the one point in my life when I just needed to know that someone was there. He never gave me a reason. He never apologized for it either. He just said goodbye for good and walked away as if he didn't see me withering away before his very eyes.
It makes me wonder why I even offer my feelings to anyone anymore. They all just take them for granted and step all over me. But I guess I've become accustomed to that kind of treatment. I'm not good for anything except making people feel better about themselves. There's never any gain for me. It's all wasted emotion and too much heart-ache. I'm desperate for human contact. A familiar touch that can make me feel warm again. It's getting harder. I try to be optimistic...but I fear my high hopes are failing me. You know you've reached a new kind of low when stupid love songs make you cry for no reason.
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[Friday, March 3rd, 2006 | 03:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 pissed off |
] |
you fucking jerk.
someone hang out with me today. nick backed out on me. again.
edit:
Adding to him being a fucking jerk, I IMed him and this is what the conversation comprised of.
Him: what do you want?
Me: Jeez, nothing.
Him: Good, I'm going to go finish my nap then.
Me: Whatever.
Him: What the hell?
Me: Yeah, my thoughts exactly. "what do you want?" That was kind of rude.
Him: Obviously you don't get upset when someone wakes you up from a nap.
Me: My apologies. I didn't mean to wake you up. Go back to sleep, don't let me bother you.
Okay, fucking 5 year olds get upset when you wake them up from a nap. I don't need this. All I want to do is just be his friend. It's like he's trying to keep me from raping him. Don't fucking flatter yourself, Nick. You're not as hot as you think you are.
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[Thursday, March 2nd, 2006 | 05:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
You know, sometimes I wish I had more confidence to talk to people. Mostly to let people know how I feel. Mostly with boys.
Ladies and gentlemen, Amanda is lonely.
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[Wednesday, March 1st, 2006 | 08:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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mischievous |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Moi dix Mois - Ange |
] |
for all you non-myspacers. or those who don't bother to read my bulletin.
there it is! my bridge looks good, ne? ^___^
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| kozi kozi kozi kozi kozi kozi kozi kozi kozi kozi kozi kozi |
[Wednesday, March 1st, 2006 | 04:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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jesus! |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Kozi - Incoherents. |
] |
I love Kozi. He's amazing.
Yeah, just thought I'd let you all know.
Sooooo, I got my bridge pierced and it looks fucking good.
So now I have my septum, bridge, right nostril, belly button (which no one ever sees anyways)
and if I get another piercing, it'll probably be my tongue or snake bites. Going for the semetrical look here.
I'm glad I'm not much of a bleeder.
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[Sunday, February 26th, 2006 | 02:07am] |
Bonfire was awesome. I love my friends.
Thanks for coming, everyone.
AND THANKS DENNIS. You made tonight fun. Haha.
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